INDECISIVE?

How I made the decision of breaking up with him was quite outlandish. It happened because of a dream. It was on one of those nights we’d talk till really late. We were kind of fighting, not actually, kind of. Our relationship wasn’t on steady grounds anymore and our approach towards the entire situation was… indecisive.

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, he asked if we were still good. I said yes. I won’t say I didn’t mean to because I did. I was just very unsure. I did not know how to not be with him anymore.

As I drifted off to sleep, and this is the only part of the dream that I remembered in the morning, was that I was at school, in front of the office entrance where we exit the bus. It was night time and the school was decorated with lights. Just like during last year’s annual function. (Let me just say, it was because of the function practice that we’d met and became friends. It was the best two months of school.) So, anyway, I was waiting there with a few friends of ours and I knew that he wasn’t coming. I was upset about it. Then suddenly a car rushes by us and a friend points out to me saying it was him. The noises around me increased and I started walking towards the car. I had almost reached it when the door opened and it was really him. He was so happy to see me, and likewise. He looked absolutely charming in the pink shirt and the grey suit. He stepped out and ran to me like a six year old and hugged me. And that was the happiest I had felt in all of the months we had been together. I know it was a dream and it was not real but it was the single most happiest moment. I was warm and secure and in love. And this is why I decided I had to break up with him.

You see, I suddenly remembered what it was like to be with him in the beginning. And it broke my heart to realize that all of that was gone. I did not feel as happy or secure with him now. I felt misunderstood, avoided and worthless around him. I hated how he made me feel about myself and it hurt me realizing how he’d never understand. I used to be angry on him most of the time. I did not feel happy to see him show up and I was just in dismay over the whole thing. It was the dream that made me realize how different it had become now. It did not make me nostalgic at all.

But even though it didn’t work out, I can still definitely say that he is the best person I have known. He was kind and generous. He was fun and charming and we’d started dating after being friends for a long time. Above all, apart from being a bad stress handler, he had a good heart. It was the best thing I’ve had. But it didn’t work out. He couldn’t understand me because he’d not been through any of the things I had. His only fault was in how he approached it; by avoiding me. By avoiding any tough situations, in general. And I couldn’t forgive him for this no matter how hard I tried. We just weren’t meant to be. It was best we went separate ways.

  • s/m/
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