Sometimes the phrase, “You won’t understand. It hasn’t happened to you” is not much of a pretext to feeling infinitesimal as much as it is to wanting to feel rare. Sometimes you don’t want people to understand. You don’t want to listen to stuff like “It will get better with time. You’ll be fine” and certainly not “Pull yourself together”.
Sometimes, you just want to writhe in your misery. You want to be a mess. You want to obsess about the unkindness and inhumanity you’ve been shown. You want to feel like you’ve been treated worst. You want to think people cannot go through anything more contemptible. You want to believe things will never get better because that’s how you feel. You want to withdraw into yourself and be in sync with the squalor. You want to embrace the torment.
And you have every right to.
“I don’t want to feel the things that have been done to me can be recovered from. I don’t want to pull myself together. I don’t think time heals. I think time makes us forget. And forgetfulness does not ensure closure. If anything, I don’t want to forget. Misery for me is the antidote to it. Victimizing myself is the way I get past being one. I want to plunge into what makes me sad. I want to obsess over it so much that I get sick of it and leave. This is recovery for me. This is what I understand of healing. This is what I call cauterizing.
Don’t ask me to hold myself together. It seems ludicrous to me. If you want to be there for me and you don’t understand my process, be silent. Your words of encouragement hurt me. You speak like you’ve been through what I am in. But you’ve not. If you’re worried about me then the one thing I can assure is that every such cycle is temporary. Let me close myself in. Let me be.
I am one of those people who don’t accept help getting up. I believe one has to pick oneself up in order to be strong. Trying to forget one’s mishaps does not benefit. One has to deal with them. And this is how I deal. This is how I fight. And this is how I recover.
These are basic survival instincts. You don’t fight drowning because you realize what a beautiful life you might have ahead. You fight against the water because you know you’re dying.”