Come to think of it, after all we’ve gone through you’ll probably be the only person I shall ever actually miss.
My journey with you has been sort of a long drive; in a convertible, of course on a warm European summer dawn along the coastline. Reflecting on everything is like looking back on the path traversed from the front seat wearing tinted glasses. Why tinted? It’s deliberate, I guess. I don’t want to remember the breaking sun overshadowing the skyline when I have the dusk to face.
You, like all things are going to exhaust. And I like every mourner will try to exhume. But the most I will ever be able to do is miss you.
Honestly, going separate ways will be tough as fuck. TOUGH AS FUCK. But I know we’ll both be okay. See, you and I, we have a vision; of the life we want and we know we have to create that space. To explain, I’d have to firstly thank Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for coining the term “Conscious Uncoupling”. And that’s all of my explanation. School ending, different aspirations, different countries, different career choices; we can’t be together, can we?
And it brings a smile on my face to know that it’s okay to go separate ways, we both want what’s best for each other and ourselves. It’s how beautiful our belonging was.
I have nothing for you but gratitude of how you’ve made me feel and thinking about it makes nothing but fat with happiness.
Contradictory to what Beau Taplin writes, I am in a position where the memories of our time together will not make me sad or make me feel like I have lost a deal. I will be in a place where I can look back on them and smile to myself and above all, cherish them. And I think you’ll be able to do the same.
And it’s not like that the knowledge of uncoupling complicates things for me. I never had doubts about the purpose of being together now if we’re to eventually part ways (trust me, I have been asked that a lot). Who gives a rat’s ass about ‘eventually’? The limit on the time we have has only made me value us more.
Neither is my lack of sadness about our eventual parting due to my lack of feelings for you. I know that we’ll leave on the best of terms and I will definitely be at unrest but my happiness for everything that we’d have had will outshine everything that matters little compared to the experience we’ve shared.
Although, I cannot say that I’ll not miss you. I definitely will. And I will sometimes think of “what ifs”, not with regrets but in the human urgency to find parallel pathways. And I am a bit embarrassed to admit but I have this plan, a plan about my circumstances after you. The main part is missing you in threes.
Missing you when I stumble across something we shared. A rush of all the things we share running out of my subconscious and spilling into my conscious.
Missing you when I look back down memory lane. You are the happiest highlight of my Before College.
But mostly missing you while being on the cusp between sleep and wakefulness, when thoughts of parallel possibilities lurk between the ticks which will make me wonder why life happened to us.