Can you actually look back at a memory and replay it with its original intensity? Can you remember it as if you could go back in time and relive it? I can.
I remember you. The way you were before. You were a cynical, calculating, compartmentalizing, majorly miserable human. I liked it. That’s we got along so well. I knew you, you were like this mirror image of mine.
All those days we spent, comparing how we were different than the rest. I remember because that is how I fell for you… and you for me.
We became the people we couldn’t think of becoming, we did what we thought we weren’t capable of. Didn’t we?
Did we? Did YOU?
We were silly romantic. Our story is something you see in all those high school movies. Girl meets boy. They become best friends. Girl falls for boy. Boy for girl. But neither can confess. After a series of interesting events, they do. And then it begins. And that’s where the movie ends.
But I never grasped that all that can glow, can burn?
How much till too much? How good till too good? When does best become hollow? And when does hollow start hurting? When does ‘You’re enough’ becomes ‘enough is enough’?
Who are you now? I fell for this crazy guy who shared my view of the world. One who seemed responsible and sensitive and understanding because you were like me. You’ve turned into this entirely different person.
It hurts more because I remember how you were before we got together. And it hurts worse to know that you don’t remember me at all and neither can you see the fact that I haven’t changed.
How was I supposed to know that all that misery and cynicism you were bathing in was a product of loneliness? The things I liked in you were volatile, I realize that now. They burned out the moment you achieved the confidence of another person.
And I cannot accept it somehow. You cannot understand that the qualities we shared, that the ones I have are not a product of loneliness but a sum of everything I have been through. Events I cannot change or forget. My behavior and the essence of my existence are not volatile or variable. And you don’t even try to fathom it.
How can you be so oblivious to the fact that I need you? I don’t need you to give me solutions. I know how to process and act. I just need you to be there. And you deliberately won’t.
I turn to you when I am in need, which is not much. And you know how miserable I am. And I understand that you can’t help me out because you’ve never gone through anything close to what I have. But can’t you just be there for me instead of deliberately avoiding me when I am down? You know I am a chronic depressive. And that is what makes it worse. YOU CAUSE IT most of the times now. And I find it totally ridiculous how all the actual reasons of my state get a lesser priority when my brain juices have to party. Instead of getting depressed about all of those reasons, I instead get depressed about how you’ll never be there for me when I need you. I can neither process it nor control it.
I have always been there for you, haven’t I? Have you? Ever? I guess not.
You deliberately did not talk to me over the weekend my mother left home for good. You read 400 pages of Game of Thrones and watched a bunch of crap on television. And when you did decide to talk to me, you chose to tell me about what you did rather than checking up on me. I have tried, trust me. But I cannot forgive you for this. I just can’t. To top everything, you ignored me when I confronted you about this.
I like you. But this just makes me hate you. More than that, it makes me hate myself. It makes me feel unworthy and unimportant. Like am I a piece of shit or what? I deserve this kind of unkindness from you?
You are definitely cold, calculating and compartmental. You are definitely my mirror image. But what I never calculated was that like all mirror images, you too were laterally inverted. Because I could never do this to you.
All the memories I have of you from before we were together haunt me. You used to definitely care more then. We only care for things that we haven’t achieved. And now that you have, you’ve formed this safety net. Because you believe no matter what happens, it will all be okay. I will be with you no matter what. So you have given up all responsibilities. And that itches too. Realizing that if I go, you’ll never come try to retrieve what we have. You’ll not even try.
I cannot deal with your mess. I have my own ocean to drown in. Do not burden with me with more unkindness and ignorance. That is all I have received all my life. I cannot handle it if you clip more of that weight when I am desperately trying to stay afloat.
They say the most painful verse of a defeat is the memory of a victory. So it is. I don’t understand how can claim to care when all you do is make me feel oblivious. Neither can I tolerate my weakness for you. All I want is for you to go away. Just go away.