FIRST THINGS FIRST

Here’s to all the first times. First blog, first attempt at online publishing, ranting out my opinion to the world that’s probably going to go unnoticed but how has a lack of the world’s interest in our thinking ever stopped us from throwing our cats at people anyways?

I once read somewhere that in a world that’s seemingly expanding outwards, literature is a way inwards. Pointdexter, maybe. Hats off to that guy, though. For a day to go good, all I need is his poetry and as much coffee as a human can possibly digest.

But, first things first. The entire purpose of this blog is for me to blabber about things. That’s the entire purpose of the internet anyway. So the first thing I’d possibly blabber is how I feel about how I feel.

Sometimes, I feel like I am two personalities living in the same body. One that acts, the Fighter and the one that feels, the Actor. Usually, people have both of them. The only difference is that their Actors and Fighters coordinate with and are dependent on each other. They have a symbiotic relationship. Mine, don’t. What I basically mean to say is you act on how you feel. All your actions are derived from your feelings, they cause you to act. I don’t.

    Acting on my feelings is possibly the most challenging task for me. Like, I said, for me, Fighter and  Actor are two different people who don’t like each other. The fighter considers the actor to be too melodramatic.

Normally, when you feel upset and broken, you act likewise. I act the opposite. The days I appear happier are the days I am breaking apart. I am constantly aware of how I feel and I am constantly on the mission to act the opposite. Involuntarily.

    The days I am content, you’ll possibly find me erratic, antisocial, and rude; mostly because that’s how I am. Hence, I find it a good thing when my awkward sadness makes me more kind and amicable, given that’s most days.

    When I realize I am sad, and by me, I mean the Fighter, it’s more like realizing that someone else is sad. Like a friend coming up and telling you why they’re upset and how it’s affecting them. You care enough to listen to them but not enough to act on their behalf.

I am sometimes in a constant battle between what I feel and what I do about it and the fact that they do not coordinate with each other. It baffles me how I can’t relate my own feelings to myself. It doesn’t affect me as much as it prevents others from understanding what I am and why I am.

Like most people, I need comfort when I am down, I need people when I am lonely but how do I let them know that I need them when I can’t show them what I feel, when I can’t prove to myself how I feel?

And I am sorry if I get angry when people fail to calculate me. And I am sorry how I deject them when they fall short and I can’t even begin to apologize enough for the actions that follow. It’s a tough job being the protagonist of a story but trust me, it’s by far a tougher job to be the antagonist. Especially, when you don’t want to be one.

The actor persuades me to be more connected to my “emotions box”, which I carry outside the realm of my thought process. But to be honest, I have somehow taken a liking for the Fighter. I like being stoic and I take pride in how my feelings don’t influence my actions. I love how rational that makes me and the messiness it brings about is something I adore but what I admire seldom makes me happy. Being with people like me may seem interesting, but trust me, it’s not. People realize this too late and end up being hurt. But one thing I can tell you if you’ve experienced someone like me is that we feel hurt too. We get broken hearts, too. But we never act on those feelings. There’s a long distance between what we feel and what we think we have to do.

    I am mix of paradoxes. What I want does not coincide with what I want to do. What I want to do brings me satisfaction but that satisfaction does not get me what I want resulting in unsatisfactory outcomes. Contradictorily, I continue to do what I want because it satisfies me and I continue to be what I am because I am forever unsatisfied because What I want to do does not get me what I want.

Hah, I might just give you an award if you can understand even ten percent of the above paragraph.

s/m/

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