CONTRADICTORY SECONDS

We all get those contradictory second thoughts to our decisions that put us in a real dilemma. As this is a personal diary sort of thing, I’ll tell you something about the contradictory second thoughts that I face.

Being the only kid in the family without siblings or even cousins was difficult and lonely. To top that, my dad was always on tour leaving me behind with mom whose ideals strongly opposed mine. To further things, I have attended nine schools in fifteen years which have thereby left me friendless. The friends that I do get, I don’t retain because I have become habitual to meeting new people so often that people I have known for more than the usual time tend to bore me.

Apart from the part where I am not good at retaining people in my life, there’s another side to me. Having said all that in paragraph two, I find my life, above all, to be lonesome. It gets painfully silent sometimes. And hence, I, solemnly admit, with reluctance that I get needy. I seek connections, deep connections not the usual pile of pretentious crap I put up with people who I know for some months. Now here’s the tricky part. I don’t like people. Yes, once in a while I meet someone who intrigues me like shit but all of that is temporary; I fall out of arrangements. What is residual is my need to still make connections but with the next most enigmatic person.

I am sometimes awed of how I grow out of my interests and at the frequency at which I do.

And here I present the part in which usually attracts a lot of judgements. Earlier, what I said about ‘deep connections’, I did not mean substantial connections, friendships which are based on sharing one another’s deepest darkest secrets and trying to be not judgmental about them. I am judgmental as fuck. I am judgmental outright and bold. I will dish it out on your face, whatever I think is wrong with you without talking to someone else about it. Neither is “being there for me when I needed someone” counted in my list of the scattered paraphernalia (changed the sentence cause I kind of like the word.) that I require to connect with someone. Honestly, I am bad at showing what I feel. Communicating my feelings to another being whose mind I consider alien is a task I don’t equip myself with. But more than the fact that it is difficult for me to communicate with another person is my opinion that I am too well off than others. Not in terms of money or materials but in terms of intellectuality. I don’t necessary find myself wiser, I just find others dumber. Yes, narcissism. I show selfish narcissism just like all the other kids who’ve grown up by themselves.

Now, what do I mean by “deep connections”.

Firstly, it means the connection with a person whose intellect I deem to be near mine. Secondly, the connections which are established under the term “Friends with benefits”.

Do you like me or are you judging me or both?

I like seeing loads of people and I don’t necessarily go out with smart ones; all I need is interesting people. I like those kinds of connections, those which go deep (pun intended) but I know will not survive a day more than the time frame that I am usually used to knowing people in. I don’t want to be with a single digit number of men, I crave to experience more. Basically, I get bored of continuity and continuity is a bitch. Reminds me of all the stability I couldn’t have as a kid. So I get depressed and my existence becomes excruciatingly painful unless I treat myself with new people.

The person who can be satisfied with stability and continuity, hats off! But I am not that person and trust me I have tried to be. If you think you can understand me without being judgy, think twice. It’s easy to understand in print but not so easy to understand circumstantially.

Judge me all you can but know, these habits are weird and at the end of the day I do realize that I will be left alone eventually but that somehow doesn’t scare me, mostly because I am used to that. I live and feed on interesting people and the interesting things I can do with them; but interesting things that aren’t stationary. Mobility is my magic elixir.

When I think of seeing a same someone or someones for the next of many years, I get terrified. Having to look at the same faces again and again causes me anxiety but most of all, it causes me pain. I have failed to define this exactly and I don’t fully understand why. No matter how mannerly or how substantial we are, at the end of the day, our existence depends on our struggle to thrive and to satisfy ourselves. Our quality of existence is entirely tilting on the ratio between what we have to what we want. In layman terms, we need happiness. It is the only reason why we do what we do. Justification enough.

s/m/

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